Costco survival guide

I went shopping at a local grocery store this weekend and I was blown away at some prices. I saw 4 little jello cups with pieces of peaches in them for $4.44. I can buy a can of peaches and a box of Jello for half that price and make 4x the servings. That's insane. The only cure for prices like that is a trip to the happiest place on earth... COSTCO!

Some people despise the $55 a year price for a membership, but I gladly pay it because the money you save over the year is worth it. Hate large lineups and people who block the isles with their carts while visiting all the sample tables? I've found the perfect time to go; Sunday morning at 10:05 AM. If you go there at 10am exactly , there's 40-60 people lined up outside like it's a boxing day sale in July event. Once you pull up at 10:05, there's still good parking spots close by and the mob has already entered the building and are now properly dispersed in the massive shopping area.

Now for the plan to work, you need to have a good idea of what you need to get. You can't be dilly dadiling and going up every isle, humming and hawing over whether to get the gallon of ranch dressing or the gallon of mustard. You have to make it a mission. Get in, take what you need and get out. My trick is to leave my wife at home. She has a tendency to wander and look at the clothing and books and blue rays that we already own at home, yet still get PVR'd when they are on TV. It could jeopardize the mission. If you're in and out in a timely fashion, they have more tills open on the weekend then on the weekdays and there are no lineups at 10:35 am. After that your are on your own, stuck behind the gentleman that needed to buy 50 cases of baked beans and an equal amount of toilet paper in his other cart. When heading to check out, look for the people with a few, large items filling their cart, as they will pass through much quicker then the lady buying 100 different small items. Also, avoid getting in line behind large groups of women. Chances are only one of them has a membership, and they all have to pay separately because if Hilda has to pay for Rose's giant jar of pickles, there will be hell to pay.

One thing I've noticed is that Costco shoppers have a tendency to stop in their tracks with no warning when

they see a good deal. Lucky enough they supply you with large shopping carts that can easily mow down these inconsiderate oafs and continue on your mission. One thing that frosts my ass when grocery shopping is shopping cart etiquette. In a perfect world, everyone would be aware that they are not the only person in the store. When entering a highly dense area, stagger your carts like in the illustration below:

On the left, parking your cart next to the easily excited man cuts off traffic flow. On the right, traffic flow is easily maintained with only two seconds of effort to look around, assess the situation, and park your cart appropriately. Your fellow man will thank you. Same goes for sample tables with people I like to call "Sample feeders". If you need to sample everything, please be aware of your cart position. Refer to the above illustration. If you have to wait, walk around the isles once or twice till the sample lady is ready. Don't do the stance of shame waiting for the free samples, then stand there eating it and then commenting to the lady what you think. She doesn't give two shits, as she's just counting down the minutes to her coffee break. Get one, then 8 for each of your kids, then move on. Going to Costco when it opens alleviates the headache of sample feeders because samples start later in the day. If you want to date on the cheap, there's nothing like a walk in the Fall to Costco at dusk , and the innocence of clearing that pesky string of cheese from your date's mouth at the mozza stick sample table. Ahh, "La vita è bella"

Now one of the best things Costco has to offer is it's meat selection. There's no better place to buy quality meat for the cheap. A pork tenderloin for $4? insane! 2.5kg of lean ground beef for $12? They must be mad. You can even by large chunks of rib cut meat to make twenty or more excellent steaks with perfect marbling which works out to $3 a steak. Good Lord! And people are buying ground beef from Walmart in tubes; the same tubes used to package dog food in.(I've worked in a grocery store when I was a teenager, I've seen 'em). The membership alone is paid for with just meat purchases. But great deals are found throughout the departments. Need new appliances? Check Costco first. Need large amount of humus and and equal amounts of pita bread? Yep, check Costco. Need large amounts of garbage bags to hide the nosey postman's body? Ahh, yeah you might want to call the police and report yourself.

 Costco may have a lot of good deals, but like any store, you have to watch your prices. I find the 12 packs of corn, tomatoes, Kraft dinner, pasta, soup and other pre packaged items don't offer the amazing deals like the other items do...unless they are on sale. Yes Costco does have sales, in the form of instant rebates from the manufacturer. Not 10 or 20 cents like Sobeys likes to do. I'm talking $2-$4 price cuts. They change weekly and are not advertised, but they can help cut your grocery bill tremendously.

I hope this survival guide helps with your next mission trip to Costco, and please remember your shopping cart etiquette wherever you go.

Comments? Questions? Lawsuits?